I Am I Be

I'm not sure if this a back track or the second part of the last blog. If it doesn't feel right, is it really worth trying? This is not about my pride, I take it on the chin, and move on. Keep moving, keep on beat, though I'm feeling a little off at the moment.

I'm not trying to whine or say, "Look! Woe is me!!" That isn't my style, still it's hard and I hope I don't live to regret my decision. Am I cutting my nose off to spite my face? I don't think so. I still feel rotten though, but I have to move on and live with it. I've had my moment of morbid introspection and now I have to get on with the rest of this bitter sweet life. Many adventures to have and many people to meet.

The dissolution of a relationship can never be anything but messy, especially when one of the parties blames themselves and want to make amends. I can forgive and I think I have now that I have severed ties. Maybe that's the irony..

I can never fall out of love or be bitter so some one I spent a great chunk of my life with, no matter what happened in the end. Things happen for reason though, maybe we think of it as bad timing, but just maybe there is a greater plan for us all.

You Gotta Go There To Come Back

I'm prone to moments of madness. I think it's when I go on the run from my emotions, I find myself hitting giddy heights and get wrapped up in obsessions to distract myself from the truth. I try and deny them, talk myself into believing something else then leave myself open and exposed. I hate feeling that way, but I never put up a front. I'm an honest if slightly confused soul....

I've been looking at it all wrong, I asked myself a question that I answered wrongly. I over complicate thoughts when the simplest answer is generally the right one. Maybe the question was wrong. When did I start being so unforgiving? I hate feeling like I'm being played, and I hate doing the playing. I don't do games, life is too damn short, yet I keep on questioning everything. It is the driving force of my madness.

I am far from infallible, so it would be arrogant of me not to forgive, and I have a few people who I should forgive. I have been handed more than my fair share of chances, so the right thing is put out a hand say,

"Ah! Fuck it! Let's move passed that shit and get on and build for tomorrow."

Maybe as a man I shouldn't be so open with this, but this is real life. I'm comfortable enough to think anybody who reads this can understand where I am coming from. This isn't about getting rich quick, or some amazing holiday adventures with photos. Neither is it about music. It is just my life and my feelings as a man.

So I am gonna rise above and give people a second chance, because I know what I'd rather regret. I'd regret not giving it a chance, I am a stubborn bastard so it's hard to admit that. I think you know when something is right and when something is wrong.

I'd like to thank friends old and new for being patient with me, even the friends who where consumed in their own shit. I have time for anybody, sometimes it's about the journey. Inevitably though it's about finding the place where you feel at one with your surroundings. The journey has been full of highs and lows, but I think...mm I KNOW I am tired of running.

Life is beautiful, amazing, scary, maddening, ugly... Never let anything pass you by and appreciate it all.

Thoughts on Isolation

Isolation can be easy when you have no contact with the rest of the world.. Or I mean your world, the people and the places in your life. Your world revolves around you, much like my life revolves around me. Is that narcisistic to think that? I'm not sure, is it not just stating the obvious. I've put people at the centre of my life, shared my world with them. In the end though, they leave and the balance is restored. Isolation, as I was saying, is easy when you have no contact, and are away from the points of reference in your life.
Four months down the line, my heart is still hollow, some have said cold. I'm just trying to get on with it, this bullshit.


-- Post From My iPhone

Drinking Tea and Smoking Cigarettes..

Four months.. Seriously that is lax even by my own half arsed standards. I could say my life has been non stop and full of exciting adventures, alas that's not really the case. It's been full of tea, cigarettes and beer.. Um, oh and work. Had been thinking about blogging the installation of a lift from start to finish, not quite so sure how interesting that would be though. Maybe I will on the next quiet site, else people will think I'm odd taking photos all the time.

On a relationship note, still no movement and I wonder what people really want. I thought I was indecisive, so I fill my time with pointless distractions, namely beer, beats and work.

I realized recently how cyclic life is, and the different cycles in life that tend to act as neat divisions in this book of life, from the most recent four month cycle, to the end of a ten year cycle which seemed to start and end in a similar place, geographically and mentally. Maybe this is a reason for deja vu. It's just the symphony of existence playing out, is this why we all seem to be hooked on rhythm?

Found a few old pads with half written stories and notes in them whilst decorating so I may type them up and post them, along with a few beats and pieces I've been playing around with..

I will try harder to keep posting, maybe I need to get into a state of mind to do at-least one a week, I really have no excuse.

Gonna start adding a few pics as-well, this is from a pad of mine, need to get my scanner back as some point, this was taken with my phone.

Part 2

There was going to be a follow up to my last post, but it seems to have disappeared into the ether, along with any resolution to a difficult situation. So where do I go from here? Seems the only way to go is up. I need to work on my focus, so until I'm on my way out of this self inflicted purgatory...

That seems harsh, it's not entirely self inflicted, but I can't blame anybody else for my situation. I should've listened to my instincts quite a while ago, they are seldom wrong, but I can lack confidence in them. Things can get a little twisted from time to time, especially when you have a tendency to over analyze any actions. So the first lesson learned is trust your instincts, don't let anybody tell you other wise because that way madness lies.

I'm generally suffering because I lack foresight, I am of the moment, but the moment is already in the past by the time the brain as processed it, so am I of the past??

Aren't we all?

I am craigs reason for catching the bus!!

I haven't slept probably in what seems an age, needless to say my nerves are more than a little frayed. Drinking too much and sleeping too little will generally do that to a man though!! So I am sat on the bus going from Preston to Bolton, going all the way! I have a habit of taking the difficult option when I'm in a mood like this. It's not as though I need anymore time to think, I don't appear to be resolving a damn thing, but there is something refreshing about taking a long journey on a bus. At least when sober and on a fresh, bright day. I would feel good if I wasn't so tired, at least I'm not talking to ghosts yet!!


-- Post From My iPhone

Away...

I like working away, a chance to see other parts of the country. Staying at a Premier Inn doesn't really lend itself to the sense of adventure though, I don't have the time to sit back and sight see. I come to do a job, then get home before the missus totally flips her wig!! Still I've seen quite a bit of this green and pleasent land of ours, reports of our decline have been greatly exagerated!!
I think we need to start loving our country again, maybe loving our selves first, and then our neighbours.. The whole damn world really, course there's shit every where, but there is beauty aswell, maybe we need to take a closer look. If you walk about hating where you are, you'll miss the point. Not sure what I'm trying to say, life is what you make it. Don't just bitch and moan about where your at..


-- Post From My iPhone

Doodling

So I have been starting to mess around with twitter a bit more recently, reminds me of doodling in the margins of an exercise book, which I was quite prolific at as a child, much to the dismay of many teachers. Especially maths for some reason, though I used to do calculus in Art class LOL.
Oh if only that last part was true ;-)
As though we shorten blogs to updates, a great idea. Soon we will be talking almost in thoughts, small wonder the literature world struggles these days, imagine war and peace as mix of twitter and text speak, or even the bible for that matter. Still if it gets the point across fair enough I say.
I was thinking this blog over in my head last night while trying to sleep, but I have forgotten half of what i was going to say, ah well it'll all come back at some point

Useless

I am so damn bobbins at this here blogging lark, maybe I should stop twatting around with multiple accounts and pseudonyms and just concentrate on actually expressing myself LMAO

I mean what with myspace, facebook, last fm, ilike, twitter and others my head spins around in a constant flux of despair and joy, well it does that anyway. If all my personalities and moods have their own page what chance do we have!! :-p